The Cow Conspiracy
by ExBlade
Summary: The very last chapter of 'The Cow Conspiracy' has been uploaded. It's really freaky. You won't believe it. It's outstanding. It's all that and a bag of chips. It's everything you ever asked for.
1. Escape

THE COW CONSPIRACY

Part 1: The Escape

Everybody in the ranch always picked on Rosie the Cow, just because she ate the cuckoos and barked like a dog instead of hanging out with the other cows at the Lon Lon Ranch. One day Malon came in to see how she was doing.

"Why can't you be like all the other cows", Malon asked. "Why are you so sick and demented all the time?"

"Mmph gnnnh nnnngh hmmpf mmm…"

"What?"

"Mmph gnnnh…"  
"Rosie, don't tell me you've been eating cuckoos again…!"

Rosie opened her mouth and out flew a cuckoo.

"Sorry", Rosie said. "I couldn't help it."

"Now, Rosie, I want you to apologize to Mr Cuckoo."  
"Alright, I'm sorry I nearly chewed you to bits…"

"Too late", the cuckoo responded. "You already chewed off one of my most vital parts."

"Which is that?"

"Let's just say I'll never be a father."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that."

"I never want to see you again. Bye", the cuckoo said and slammed the door.

Malon looked Rosie in her eyes and said:

"Now look at what you have done. What do you have to say in your defence?"

"Not getting any food and working all day makes Rosie an angry cow!!"

"Wha—Nooo!" Malon yelled as Rosie broke out and ran away in the direction of Hyrule Castle. 

"Oh, no. What have I done? I've created a monster and now it's heading towards the King! I've got to stop it! But first, I must drink my daily bottle of carrot juice."

As Rosie entered the Hyrule Castle Market, she saw three other cows discussing something. She went over to them and introduced herself to the group of cows.

"Hi, my name is Rosie. I'm the famous cow rebel."

"We were just discussing that", one of the cows said. "My name is Suzy and these are my two friends Mary Ann and Wanda. I was the one who came up with the idea of escaping, so I am the only rightful hero."

"That's stupid", Mary Ann said. "I came up with the details on how to escape, so _I_ am the hero."

"No way", Wanda said. "I 'borrowed' all the necessary equipment so it's quite obvious that _I_ am the hero."

"Stop arguing", Rosie said. "Right now you are being _so_ unprofessional, all three of you! To work as a group, we must act like one, and not just a bunch of babies!"

"You mean calves."

"Whatever. The point is, if we wish to get into Hyrule Castle, we will have to co-operate."

"I think Rosie is right", Mary Ann said.

"Yeah, me too", the two other cows responded.

"Good, then we have an understanding", Rosie continued. "Now let's head for the Hyrule Castle. Anyone with me?"

"Yeah!"  
"Yeah!"  
"Yeah!"  
"Great! Besides, I came up with the plan, I figured out how to do it and I did it without any equipment! All of this by myself, too, so _I_ am the hero."

"But…"  
"Shut up! Let's get going before someone throws us out."

"Okay."

So the three cows busted into Hyrule Castle until they met Zelda who seemed to be upset about something.

"Damn it", Zelda spoke to herself. "I don't want to wait no more. If they don't bring me my carrot juice, I will go nuts."

"Uh… hello, princess", Rosie said. 

"Who are you?"  
"I am Rosie, Rosie the Cow. And these are my three friends Suzy, Mary Ann and Wanda. We are cow rebels and we will take over this castle."

"No way! You'll have to discuss that with my Smith & Wesson." 

Zelda pulled out a gun.

"That's not a gun!"  
"Then what is it?"  
"It's a dishwasher!"

"Is it? Or are you just trying to trick me?"  
"I don't know, but if you give me the gun, I'll take a look at it."

"Nice try, soon-to-be-hamburger. You made your last mistake and you will now die."

Zelda tried to shoot, but all that came out from the gun was carrot juice.

"Oh, there's my carrot juice!" Zelda said and shot some more juice into her mouth. "This is good. You better taste it."

"Shut up! Can't you see you're being kidnapped?"  
"Well, if you wish to kidnap me, you better bring a gun or it won't be easy. Do you have a gun?"

"No, but I'm selling these fine leather jackets."

"Wha—" Zelda didn't say anything more because Suzy and Mary Ann came up from behind and knocked her unconscious.

"Now we got that dry-cleaner out of the way", Rosie said.

"Dry-cleaner? What's up with that", asked the three other cows.  
"I don't know, actually. I was trying to say calculator, but… Hey… you can't curse in this game!"  
"Game? What do you mean, game?"  
"I don't know, ask the author."

"Who's the author?"  
"Never mind. Anyway, let's talk to the citizens of Hyrule and tell them that we have gained control of their castle. Wanda, go get CNN!"

After just a couple of minutes, Wanda came back with CNN.

"Uh, are we on the air", Rosie asked and looked into the camera.

"Yes, you are", the cameraman responded.

"Good. Ahem. Hi! My name is, uh… Dustin Hoffman and these are my three friends Marilyn Monroe"-Suzy waved to the camera-"Jack Nicholson"-Mary Ann waved to the camera-"and, uh… Jerry Seinfeld". Wanda waved to the camera. "All your castle are belong to us. Do not try to get us out of here, as we are psychos on the loose. We will kill any trespasser."

"Mr Hoffman, what is your purpose", asked a reporter.

"This is my revenge at the people who used to pick on me during my time at the Lon Lon Ranch. This is my way to prove that a rough childhood is enough to make anyone insane. Even a cow."

"Is there anything we can do to make you leave the castle?"

"Well, yeah… You can… Actually, I never thought of that. But, as I said, the purpose of all this is to get revenge and we won't even consider handing back the castle before I've done that. You'll have to wait and see. Now get those cameras out of here, this interview is over."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Yes, _sir_. I'm Dustin Hoffman, remember?"

"Okay, sir. Thank you for the interview."

**END OF PART 1**

  



	2. Revenge

THE COW CONSPIRACY  
Part 2: Revenge  
  
  
  
  
Link was lying in his bed, thinking.  
"I haven't been doing anything since I defeated Ganondorf", Link thought to himself. "I wish there would be a little more excitement around here…"  
Link heard a tiny knock on the door and a little voice shouted:  
"HEY!"  
"What? Who is it", Link responded.  
"It's Navi! We gotta talk!"  
"Alright, come in. What is it?"  
"Listen! Something weird is going on at Hyrule Castle. We better move. Come!"  
"Slow down, slow down. Exactly what has happened?"  
"It's, uh… It's… A bunch of cows has knocked down the princess and taken over the castle! COME!"  
"Navi, have you been doing drugs again?"  
"What? No! That's ridiculous! You've got to trust me!"  
"Alright… we'll take a look at those 'cows'. Now, where exactly are these cows?"  
"Uh, they're in Hyrule Castle. I just said that."  
"Uh-huh. And what are they doing there?"  
"They're, uh, they're taking it over."  
"Haven't they already done that?"  
"Yes, but… now they're in control of it."  
"Wait a minute. Slow down a second. Who are in control of it?"  
"The cows."  
"Uh-huh. Okay, let's go to Goron City!"  
"Hyrule Castle."  
"I said that."  
  
There was chaos at the Hyrule Castle Market. People were running around, screaming.   
"Can you see all the suffering", Navi asked. "All this because some lousy cows wanted to   
be famous. It sickens me."  
"I agree", Link responded.  
  
A woman came up to them.  
"I'm so upset", she said.   
"Oh, because the Castle has been taken over by some cows?"  
"No, because my puppy ran away."  
"Okay. There's nothing I can do about that, I'm sorry."  
"Sorry to bother you", the woman said and went away. But she came back after just a couple  
of seconds.  
"What now", Link asked.  
"I just wanted to tell you I found my puppy."  
"How nice for you."  
"Yeah, I just realized the puppy is me."  
"What?!"  
"I am the puppy. I am just a happy puppy. Aren't we all happy puppys?"  
"Uh... please go away."  
"I will", the woman said and ran away.  
"Uh, excuse me", Link started. No one cared. He then started yelling: "Listen! I have an   
announcement!" All noise ended and people turned their eyes to Link. "Is there anyone here  
who's upset because the Castle is invaded by cows?"  
No reply.  
"Anyone? Just anyone?"  
"I am", said a voice.  
"Good!"  
Link saw that it was an old man who said that. He went over to him.  
  
"Would you like to join us in our quest to kick those cows out of here?"  
"To my house you will come and discuss. Pour you some wine I will", the old man said.  
"Uh... alright."  
"Follow me."  
  
The old man took them to his house which was located in an alley.  
  
"Alright, pour you some wine I will. And then get started we will. Okay", the old man asked.  
"Sure", Link responded.  
  
The old man filled Link's glass with wine and then he looked Link into his eyes.  
  
"Defeat Rosie the Cow you want?"  
"Yes, that's correct."  
"Well defeat Rosie the Cow you cannot before strong you get."  
"How do I get strong--I mean, STRONGER than I already am?"  
"Strong you are, kid. But train you must. And teach you I will."  
"When do we begin?"  
"Patience you must learn. Patience, kid."  
"Patience? I don't have any patience!"  
"Patience you will need, kid. If patience you have not, then a chance you have not either."  
"That's ridiculous. I'm leaving. I have better things to do, like saving the world and   
stuff. Bye."  
  
Link left the house for the castle, where he got in the usual way. When he got to Zelda's place, he knocked a cow on her back.  
The cow turned around.  
  
"Hey! Who are you, kid? And what are you doing here?"  
"My name is Link. And I am here to... to, uh..."  
"What? What are you going to do?"  
"Well, I'm, uh... I'm searching for Rosie! Where is she?"  
"Rosie, you say... Rosie, that's me. What do you want?"  
"I'm wondering what I can do to prevent you from destroying our world."  
"So, you're the Big Mr. Hero, right?"  
"I hear that more often than you think."  
"Uh-huh. Tell me, how are you going to save Hyrule?"  
"I don't know. What do you suggest?"  
"What do I suggest? I suggest you run home, boy, to mommy and daddy and tell them that they are nice."  
"My dad is missing and my mom is dead."  
"Go plant some flowers on her grave, then."  
"She has no grave."  
"Oh. Just run away, then, kid. Can't you see I'm busy?"  
"No, seriously. What can I do?"  
"'What Can I Do'... Wasn't that a song by The Corrs?"  
"Will you get to the point?"  
"Sorry. As of now, there's nothing you can do. I must get revenge at the cows who tormented me at the Lon Lon Ranch before I  
can do anything to stop this."  
"Oh. I see."  
"Please leave now. We want privacy from now on."  
  
And Link left.  
  
LON LON RANCH - IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT  
  
Cara the Cow and Wendy the Cow were discussing Rosie's escape. They had no idea that Rosie had taken over the  
castle as Talon was too lazy to collect the newspaper and they didn't have a TV on the ranch.  
  
"I wonder what Rosie is doing now", Cara said.  
"I'm sure she's dead by now. She could never handle the real world."  
"I don't know about that. We treated her so bad that she must be used to any kind of torture."  
"Shut up! We didn't treat her bad! All we did was... you know... played around."  
"Oh quit it! We both know very well what we were doing. And there is no point to claim the opposite. We were   
picking on her."  
"No way! We were not! And, besides, she deserved it."  
"Did she? Why?"  
"You know, because... She was different and all that... And she ate the cuccoos."  
"Well, you've got a point. Now, if you excuse me, I've got to take a leak."  
"You go on ahead. I'll be waiting here."  
  
Cara left the building and went to 'do her duties'. But before she had time to begin, she felt like she was being   
watched. It was pitch black outside, so she didn't see anyone, but she felt the presence of someone. It might have  
been the sudden stench, or just a hunch in the back of her head. Before she had any time to think, she felt something  
on her back. She turned around and looked into the eyes of a cow. Rosie.   
  
Back at the barn, Wendy was getting worried. What could possibly take her friend so long? She decided to investigate.  
She left the barn and went towards the 'toilet'. By the time she got there, she felt something was wrong. Suddenly  
she heard a tiny voice.  
  
"Wendy... get out of here... it's a trap!"  
  
Wendy turned around to see Cara, lying on the ground and bleeding from her throat.   
  
"Cara! What happened to you? Who did this?"  
"R-r..."  
  
Before Cara was able to finish the sentence, she was pulled away into the darkness. Wendy heard someone   
choke and she knew that her friend was dead. She understood that her life was in danger too and she ran towards  
the barn where all the other cows were resting. But she never made it there, instead she felt something heavy   
hitting her in her head. She fell down. On the ground, in front of her, laid the object that hit her. Cara's head, torn  
off her body.  
  
Someone appeared out of the darkness. It was Rosie. Wendy tried to get on her feet, but she couldn't manage.   
From the darkness in front of her, to the left of her and to the right of her appeared three other cows.   
  
"Please... please don't kill me. I promise I will never treat you bad again. Never!"  
"You were right about the last part. But I'm afraid I can't let you live. You mess with me and you're dead. Understood?"  
"Understood..."  
"Good. You messed with me, so you will now have to be punished. Goodbye, Wendy. By the way, your friend tasted  
really good... I wonder if you do, too?"  
"No, please don't eat me. I'm no good. I'm... I'm from Germany and if you eat me, you'll turn mad!"  
"I'm as mad as can be. So I am immune to that disease, if you'd have it."  
"Please... don't... I'm begging you, I'll do anything you want, I'll..."  
  
That was all she managed to say before everything turned black.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. The Visitor

THE COW CONSPIRACY  
  
Part III - The Visitor  
  
Link was at home, watching the news broadcast.  
  
"We have reports from Lon Lon Ranch that all of the cows there are dead. This may or may not have something to do  
with Dustin Hoffman and her fellow revolutionaires. Our reporter is now with us on a live interview with Dustin herself."  
  
We now see a man sitting next to Rosie in a chair.  
  
"Tell me, Dustin, what will happen now that you finally killed those cows who had been harassing you?"  
"I didn't kill those cows."  
"Oh come on, that's ridiculous. Everybody knows it was you."  
"Oh really? Where's your proof, mr Big Shot?"  
"You may have a point, but..."  
"But? Mr Garfield, why would I kill these cows just after telling the world that I hate them and want to see them dead?   
I'm not stupid."  
"Regardless of how much proof we have, people will still hate you."  
"Oh really?"  
"By the way, there's no smoking in this castle."  
"What are you gonna do, charge me for smoking?"  
"You may have a point."  
  
Dustin uncrossed her legs to reveal that she was wearing no underwear.  
  
"Miss Hoffman... uh... why are you lying?"  
"I'm not lying. Do you want me to take a lie detector test?"  
"Yes, please."  
"Good. Then what are we waiting for? Let's go!"  
  
When they completed the test, it turned out that Rosie not only killed Wendy, Cara and the other cows at the ranch,  
but also killed John F Kennedy. And, as if it wasn't enough, she was also the reason why Titanic sank and why  
Backstreet Boys got into music. She also caused World War II and all the other major wars in history.   
  
"Well, Dustin, I guess you're not that innocent after all."  
"Yeah, well... You won't catch me anyway."  
  
She ran away from the studio.  
  
BACK AT HYRULE CASTLE  
  
Zelda was waking up.  
  
"Boy, that sure was a long nap... Wait a minute, what are these cows doing here?"  
"Don't you remember? We kidnapped you. That makes you our hostage."  
"I'm the mighty Zelda. No one holds me hostage."  
"Watch me!"  
"Trust me, you won't get out of this alive."  
"Shut up!" Rosie said and knocked Zelda unconscious one more time.  
  
Rosie sat down on her throne to relax a little, but she was disturbed by Suzy.  
  
"Rosie, can I speak to you for a minute?"  
"What is it? Be quick about it, because I wish to relax."  
"Me, Wanda and Mary Ann think we should free Zelda and leave the castle now that you got your revenge. What do  
you think?"  
"Are you crazy? Do you think I'm satisfied with this? I deserve to be the Queen of Hyrule, it's my turn to be  
famous. So my answer is no, Zelda remains our hostage."  
"But we promised that something might happen when you finally got revenge. Are you gonna break that promise?"  
"All I said was that something *MIGHT* happen, not that something *WOULD* happen."  
"This has gone too far, Rosie. We quit."  
"Fine, quit. I don't care. I can rule this world all by myself."  
"We'll see about that. Goodbye."  
"Yeah, bye. And don't come back either."  
  
Suzy closed the door and left. Rosie said to herself: "What an idiot", then she started reading the newspaper. Just  
a couple of seconds later, she jumped out of her throne and ran for a knife.  
  
"I can't let them escape", she said to herself. "They'll leak important information to the citizens. I must stop them   
before it's too late."  
  
She rushed out of the Royal Chamber and came up from behind of Suzy, who was on her way to inform Wanda and  
Mary Ann about Rosie's insanity. Suzy never saw the knife stabbing her in the back one, two and three times. . A door   
opened and Mary Ann stepped out.   
  
"Oh my God", she yelled. "What have you done to Suzy?"  
"I killed her. She's a quitter and I hate quitters. Soon you and your friend will join her in hell. Come here."  
"No..."  
"I must do this. I'm sorry."  
  
Mary Ann tried to escape, but there was no point in running as Rosie threw the knife in her back. Mary Ann fell down.  
She rolled over in pain and laid there for about five or six seconds, then everything turned black.  
  
Rosie kept searching for Wanda.  
  
"Wanda! Where are you? Wherever you are, I'll find you, you old... cow!"  
  
Rosie went around a corner when she felt something hard hitting her from behind. A chair. She turned around just  
to see Wanda run away. She pulled the knife out of Mary Ann's body and started chasing her ex-friend. But Wanda  
managed to knock Rosie unconscious as she threw a rock at her head.  
  
Wanda felt relieved that she made it. She was now heading for the door outside to tell everyone about what Rosie  
had done. Suddenly someone knocked on the very same door. Wanda opened and, before she had the time to say  
'carrot juice', a huge sword was stuck into her throat and she died immediately.   
  
The man who carried the sword was tall and all dressed in black. His face was concealed and you couldn't see  
any skin at all. The man went past Wanda and as he proceeded into the castle, he saw Mary Ann's body. He   
ignored it and continued walking as if nothing had happened. Suddenly he saw a cow on the floor who wasn't as  
covered with blood as the earlier bodies. He checked her pulse and he saw that she was still alive. Suddenly the  
cow opened her eyes and saw the big man looking down at her.   
  
"Step up", he said in a very dark voice. "What's your name?"  
"My name is Rosie, uh... Rosie the Cow. What are you doing in my castle?"  
"Is this castle your castle?"  
"You heard me."  
"Things have changed since the last time I was here."  
"Last time... you were here? Who are you?"  
  
The man removed the clothing that covered his face. Rosie was terrified when she saw who the man was.  
"G... Ganondorf?"  
  
  
  
  



	4. The Glitch

THE COW CONSPIRACY  
  
Part IV: The Glitch  
  
"Is it really you? The King of Thieves?"  
"None other. I escaped from my imprisonment in The Sacred Realm and here I am, ready for revenge."  
"Wait a minute. You escaped?"  
"Hard to believe I actually had to escape, isn't it?"  
"Yes, but... then we have something in common."  
"Oh really? What could a stupid cow like you have in common with me?"  
"I also escaped... from imprisonment. At the Lon Lon Ranch. And I took over this castle all by myself."  
"Really?"  
"Yes."  
"Then what are those dead cows doing there?"  
"They tried to, uh... they tried to take the castle back... so I killed them."  
"What did you do to bring Zelda down?"  
"I knocked her unconscious."  
"You fool! You--"  
"Eat this, you big Gerudo jerk!!" Zelda yelled and knocked Ganondorf in the back of his head with a carrot. Ganondorf  
turned around and cast a spell on Zelda that imprisoned her within a magic forcefield.  
"Idiot", Ganondorf yelled at Rosie. "I tried to imprison her with a forcefield like this in the last game, but she escaped!  
Do you really think that just a regular knock in the back of her head would be enough for her to remain silent for more  
than just one day? Amateur!"  
"I'm--I'm so sorry... I was stupid, I know..."  
"Maybe I ought to kill you right now..."  
"No, wait! I can do whatever you want! I can... I can bring Link here, if you want..."  
  
Ganondorf's eyes turned red and Rosie saw that maybe she shouldn't have said that.  
  
"No! Link will not destroy this for me. You keep him out of this, understand?"  
"Okay, okay, as long as you don't kill me."  
"Hmmm... I don't think I'll kill you. At least not now. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that you might become   
useful some time."  
"Thank you, sir. I know you won't regret it."  
"We'll see."   
Ganondorf went into the kitchen to cook beans and then he said no more.  
  
LINK'S TREEHOUSE  
  
"Link! LINK! LIIIIIIINK! WakeupIneedyounowIcan'twaitImustinformyou..." Navi yelled.  
"What? What? What is it? Where's the fire?"  
"No fire! But I've got a bad feeling."  
"A bad feeling? Well, why?"  
"I feel a disturbance in the Force. Something tells me we need to hurry to the Castle. C'mon!"  
"But I don't want to. I want to stay in bed."  
"You can't! It's a matter of life and death! Hurry up!"  
"I want to sleep..."  
"But Liiiink! This is important! Don't you want to be the Hero of Time once again?"  
"Well, alright. I'll come if it's such a big deal."  
  
And off they went to the castle.  
  
IN THE ROYAL CHAMBER:  
  
A man was sitting in a chair with the back towards Link, so he couldn't see who was sitting in it. Rosie was on a table  
in front of the chair.  
  
"Link... I have been waiting for you", the voice said.  
"But you said before that you didn't want him to..."  
"Shut up, Number 1 or I'll downgrade you to Number 2. Anyway... Came here to save the world, eh?"  
"You got that straight."  
"Well, I'm afraid you can't. See, I'm in control of it now. I killed three cows by myself and I could easily have killed this  
one too if I wanted to..."  
"Excuse me, but you only killed one of them. I killed the other two", Rosie said. Then the man turned the chair around  
so that Link and Navi could see his face.  
"I said shut up", he yelled at Rosie.  
"Ganondorf! It's you", Link shouted.  
"I know it's me, you didn't have to tell me that."  
"Well, anyway, I'm saving Hyrule now, so if you have any... problems with that, just... just call me, okay?"  
"Think I'd let you have Hyrule that easily? Ha ha ha, you're pathetic! Everybody knows that I, Ganondorf, is the king  
of Hyrule now! You can't stop me! I'm the King of the World!"  
  
That was about enough for Rosie. Not only did that jerk Ganondorf ruin everything for her by turning all attention to  
himself, but now he also thought *HE* was the one who ruled the world and not Rosie. She decided to do something.  
  
"Shut up, you annoying redheaded good-for-nothing greenface! Coming into this castle, acting all big and tough."  
"W... What?"  
"You heard me! I am sick of your shit! You think *YOU* did all this, but let me tell you something: *I* am the star  
of this show. Who came up with the idea? Me. Who made the idea become real? Me. And you did nothing. So I have  
nothing to thank you for. Get out of my castle now, you big piece of junk."  
"Why you stubborn little cow..."  
  
Ganondorf prepared himself to shoot an energy bomb at Rosie, which would kill her immediately, but just one   
second before he was able to shoot it at Rosie, a man came in.  
  
"Hello, Ganondorf", he said. "Remember me?"  
"No. Who are you?"  
"You'd like to know that, wouldn't you?"   
  
The man stepped out of the darkness to reveal his true self. It was Robin Hood.  
  
"Robin Hood? But... what are you doing here? And why should I remember you?"  
"It's quite obvious if you think about it."  
  
Ganondorf thought for two hours but still didn't figure it out.  
  
"Still don't know? Well, I'll explain why I'm here then. Now, this is going to be shocking news for you, but..."  
"I'm ready."  
"...you have a son."  
"What? I have a son? Who could it possibly be?"  
"I am your son."  
"What?! How could that be possible?"  
"Think! Use your mind!"  
  
Ganondorf thought for another two hours but still didn't figure it out.  
  
"Alright, I'll tell you why. Because if I'm the Prince of Thieves and you're the King of Thieves..."  
"Yes?"  
"Oh, I give up. You're too stupid. If a king has a son, that son is a prince. You're the King of Thieves and I'm the  
Prince of Thieves. That means I am your son. Got it?"  
"Uh... yes."  
"Good, so you finally understand. Now that we got that out of the way, I'll take your money and give it to the poor  
people."  
"What?! You can't do that!"  
"Don't you know I steal from the rich and give to the poor?"  
"You... you're nothing but a retarded communist! My own son is a commy, I can't believe it..."  
"So what if I am?"  
  
Robin took the money and ran away. Ganondorf didn't want him to run off with his money, so he ran after and they   
never came back.  
  
"Piece of cake", Rosie said. "I took them all out by myself, didn't I? Who's the cow? Who's the cow?"  
"You're the cow", Link said.  
"You're daaamn right. Now leave my castle please, before I kick your Kokiri butts."  
"No way! This is my... errrr, Zelda's castle and I intend to bring it back to her. So step aside, please."  
"Why would I? Now that we got that geek Ganondorf out of the way, nothing can stop me."  
"You're all alone. You're not going to make it all by yourself."  
"I escaped from the ranch by myself and those lazy bums who dared to call themselves cows just watched me while  
I infiltrated this castle all by myself. They were good for nothing, I am better off without them."  
"Well, I got here all by myself too."  
"That's not entirely true. Who's that flying above your neck?"  
"It's, uh... It's a firefly."  
"Nice try. I think it's a fairy."  
"No, it's really a--"  
"How dare you call me a firefly", Navi protested. "Don't you know the difference between a fairy and a firefly?"  
"No."  
"Me neither, but it's still very rude of you!"  
"I'm so sorry. Anyway, if you think that fairy will be of much help, I'm sorry to disappoint you. Those fairys leave you  
alone when you need them the most."  
"I don't believe you."  
"Oh really? Well, don't you remember what happened in 'Ocarina of Time'? When you were going to fight Ganondorf,  
where was Navi then?"  
"Hey! Listen! I couldn't use my fairy magic because Ganondorf cast a spell on me... or something. So there!"  
"Couldn't use your magic powers then, eh? How convenient!"  
"Knock it off, liar. You're just trying to turn Link against me. Right, Link?"  
"Grrr... You've been trying to get rid of me all this time?"  
"No, no... Don't listen to what Rosie says! She's lying!"  
"Oh, I don't th--"  
"CHAAARGE!"   
  
It was Rosie who yelled that, and now she tried to jump on Link, but Link managed to dodge her attack.   
"Okay, that's it, you big piece of ham! I will kick your... whatever you got there."  
"Just try it, you Scandinavian freak!"  
"Where did that come from? Trent Easton? YOU'RE here too? But weren't you killed in Perfect Dark?"  
"Yeah, but they cloned me or something. Anyway, uh, I've come to kick your butts and I brought my Skedar army to  
do so. Skedar - I choose you!"  
  
SKEDAR used CLAW.  
  
LINK is hurt.  
  
LINK used SLASH.  
  
SKEDAR dodged!  
  
SKEDAR used BITE.  
  
LINK is hurt.  
  
LINK used DROP 16-TON WEIGHT ON ENEMY.  
  
SKEDAR fainted.  
  
SKEDAR #2 is in the battle!  
  
SKEDAR #2 used GROAR.  
  
LINK didn't listen.  
  
LINK used A-BOMB.  
  
SKEDAR #2 fainted.  
  
SKEDAR #3 is in the battle!  
  
SKEDAR #3 used his brain.  
  
LINK didn't.  
  
LINK used to play a lot when he was a child.  
  
SKEDAR started crying because of the sad memories of his childhood at the planet Screwdriver 437 Beta.  
  
LINK used GIANT SKEDAR-EATING MONSTER.   
  
ALL SKEDARS fainted.  
  
"Ha! I defeated you, Trent! Now leave, you're just a stupid cameo who's just here to catch people's attention."  
"That hurt."  
"Well, so does this Megaton Hammer", Link said and smashed him with his big tool he found in the Fire Cavern.  
  
TRENT EASTON fainted.  
  
"What do you mean he fainted? He DIED, stupid storyteller!"  
  
Alright, alright. TRENT EASTON died. Happy?   
  
Whatever.  
  
"Are you done yet", Rosie asked. "This is starting to be a little bit boring. Or maybe I'll just kill you..."  
  
No, alright. Let's keep going. Link, wake up! The story must go on...  
  
"So, anyway, where were we", Link said to himself. "Oh yeah, I was about to... Or you were about to... Now I   
remember! I was about to kill you and once more become the Hero of Time."  
"In your dreams, motherbuzzer. I will defeat you and be the Villain of Time!"  
"What? You can't be the Villain of Time. There is no pride in being evil."  
"Uh... yes, there is. For me."  
"No one gives a shit about you!"  
"I do."  
"I don't care."  
"You do too."  
"Do not!"  
"Do too!"  
"Act your age", Navi interrupted. "You can't seriously be acting like kids, you know. Link, you should act more like  
Adult Link, not Young Link and Rosie, well, to be the so called 'Villain of Time', you're not that scary. In fact, all  
that's scary with you is your stench."  
"Shut up! I don't smell bad. My mom didn't think so."  
"Oh yeah? Well, my mom told me I didn't have big ears!"  
"My mom said I wasn't fat."  
"My mom didn't accuse me of wearing girly clothes."  
"Shut up, elephant!"  
"Shut up, stupid cow!"  
"HEY! LISTEN!" Navi yelled. "I've had enough of both of you! Link, I want a divorce!"  
"Navi, you were not supposed to tell the people that you are my wife!"  
"Oh... my... God", Rosie said. "You two? As a married couple? I always thought it would be Malon, or maybe  
Zelda. Or Nabooru, or Ruto, or Saria, or Impa, or Koume, or Kotake, or..."  
"Wasn't it obvious all the time?" Link asked. "Couldn't you tell from the way Navi always shouted at me? 'Hey!'   
'Listen!' Argh, that shit is starting to get on my nerves. That's why I'M divorcing YOU."  
"Who'll get the babies?"  
"THE BABIES??" Rosie's eyes turned wide open.  
"Yeah. We keep them in two of my bottles", Link said and took two bottles out of his backpack. "Hello there, Tatl and  
Tael."  
"Tatl and Tael?"  
"Yeah, you know, Tattletale", Navi said. "I should get the babies, because I'm a fairy and you're not."  
"Oh... so that's your problem. That I'm human. When we got married, you told me that didn't matter."  
"Well, guess what? It matters now!"  
"I'm starting to cry here..."  
"No, don't do that."  
"Navi, I need you..."  
"Please, don't."  
"I can't live without you..."  
"Sure you can."  
"No, I mean it! If you're not there to heal me while fighting Rosief, how will I survive?"  
"Ha! Ha!" Rosie enjoyed this a lot. "Look who hides behind his wife!"  
"Shut up!"  
"Wuss!"  
"I said sh..."  
"Wimp!"  
"BOOO-AAAAAAH!!!"  
  
Link started to cry. Then it finally happened. The fact that Link was crying for the first time, caused what I would  
like to call a 'glitch'. The impossible had become possible and some weird stuff started to happen. It turned to night  
and the castle walls turned red. Suddenly the door busted open and a monkey ran up to Rosie and said:  
  
Nothing, because monkeys don't talk.  
  
But he did bring a paper, which read:  
  
"Dear Rosie,  
  
The car you requested is now blue.  
Please eat lollipops at the right side  
of the road. There are lions in the   
middle of the road and they might  
kick your crackers up to the moon.  
My father killed me but then I killed  
him back. My brother didn't kill me,  
so I didn't kill him back. He was very  
mad because of that. So he   
committed suicide, using my cat as  
protection from angry peanuts. This  
made my cat a dog, and the dog   
hunted itself because it was a cat.  
Then it stopped and realized that   
it was a Russian insurance salesman  
instead.  
  
By the way: I am the puppy! I have  
now found the puppy! I am the   
puppy! There is no puppy! I found  
the puppy and it's me! I'm so happy  
because I found the puppy! The   
puppy is a dog! I am a dog! Hot dog!  
  
Sincerely MINE (not yours),  
  
The Puppy"  
  
  
"Well, how are you then", Rosie asked.  
"I'm fine, thank you very much", the monkey answered though he couldn't talk. "Nice weather we have tonight."  
"You're damn right."  
"So, when's the sequel coming?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"'The Cow Conspiracy, Part II: Rosie Strikes Back'."  
"I don't know. I hope it never comes."  
"Me neither."  
"Hey! This part isn't over yet! Not as long as Link is still alive!"  
"Well, we're in the Glitch now. ANYTHING can happen."  
"You're right."  
"Well, not really..."  
"What do you mean?"  
"SCREW YOU, MOTHERMILKER!!" the monkey yelled and threw Bill Gates at Rosie. This killed both Bill and Rosie.  
"Yay! I defeated the Queen of Evil and rescued Hyrule! Hoo-raaay!" Link yelled.  
"Don't be so sure", the monkey said. "This is really the Monkey Conspiracy. We controlled this whole thing. We let you   
do the hard work and when you were finished, it was time for the Day of the Monkey."  
"What? No!"  
"You don't believe me? Well, I've got a huge laser cannon here and it tells you that I'm motherbuzzing right!"  
  
Suddenly someone knocked on the door.  
  
"Carrot juice! I'm delivering some carrot juice for the castle!"  
"Oh, so NOW it arrived. The carrot juice. Finally", Link said, grabbed a bottle and started to drink. Then he started to  
think: "Hey! What if I threw the carrot juice at the monkey?"  
"I hope you're not planning to do anything stupid with that bottle..." the monkey said.  
"I am saving Hyrule now and forever!" Link yelled and threw the carrot juice at the monkey. He died.  
  
"Hey, this is a little too similar to 'Monkey Island', you know, when you throw root beer at the ghosts and they die",  
Link complained.  
  
BLADE: Shut up, I am the author of this fanfic. I can do whatever I want. This is really the Blade Conspiracy! Ha! Ha!  
There is nothing you can do to stop me! Nananananana! I am the king! Say it! I am the king!  
  
"You're the king."  
  
BLADE: See? I can make you say anything you want! So, this is the ending: I rule Hyrule because I want to. I am   
the king of the universe and all its inhabitants. Why? Because I say so! And now, ladies and gentlemen...  
  
That's all folks!  
  
THE END 


End file.
